So the Gay Games Opening ceremony last night:

For the first time ever, I present to the whole Innerbunny my sibs, or those who share DNA with me:

Seriously, I was just looking to see what critics have said about the purple leotarded one's latest gig. How was I supposed to know that this O.C. dude was going to write the whole thing verbatim, thereby taking all the work (and remembering, because there was so, so much) out of it for me, whose feet are still swollen from rocking out in 3-1/2 inch wedges all night?

Like I told y'all yesterday, I really didn't have high hopes for the money I spent; I was waiting to be thoroughly whapped over the head with whatever rhetoric Madonna's selling these days or whatever. (Not that I don't agree with her, but sticking it all in a pointy bra doesn't really resonate, ya dig.) But she was just amazing -- looked great, sounded great, danced great, the whole package. And the lighting and images were divine. If you can, pay the money and go see her when she comes to town.

As added icing, BFKAS, B-Dubs and I had a really good time, though I must admit it was more than a little disconcerting to hear my 56 year-old birth mother singing "Like a Virgin." Yes, I know she would've been only 35 when the song came out (to my 15). Doesn't matter.

In about six hours, I'm going to be sitting in the United Center watching the goddess of all things pseudosacreligious with BFKAS and B-Dubs. My baby sister went last night and said she was freakin' phenomenal, but I just can't seem to get myself psyched up. For 135 bones, this better be good.

Ain't nothing like using the anticipated hope of looking good as revenge while pedaling one's bike; I did the trail part Poppy and I did before she left on vay-kay today, and I didn't stop once to take a breather or rest my legs. I won't be able to walk tomorrow, but I'll have done my body good at least. (I've been reading Pop's copy of that book by the Oprah doctor, and it says you need to put in an hour of exercise a week to keep healthy; anything above and beyond is really superfluous and possibly harmful, to which I'm like, "See!?? Bet y'all with your six pack abs feel like a buncha suckers now.")

Did I mention that I'm going to the Madonna concert June 15? No? B-Dubs got tickets ... for BFKAS, himself and me, plus two other people. (SC can't go because she'll be on vay-kay with her fam.) Yep, I'm going to see Madonna with the bio-fam -- ain't THAT some shit? No, I'm not the hugest Madonna fan in the world. In fact, even when I did like her 20 years ago, I absolutely hated some of her songs ("La Isla Bonita" and "Cherish," anyone? Ew.) Love her or hate her, though, she IS a legend, and I guess for that alone it'll be fun to see.

The problem is, I told Mother about it, and she's already gotten it into her head that because I'm going with them to ONE THING, I've become one of them and have forgotten who raised me, etc. etc. etc., never mind that I got to hear yet aGAIN the story about how she went to meet BFKAS shortly after I first met her, but Dad didn't want to go. (In the interest of proving how either I must have nerves of steel or my drugs are devil good, I should really start a chart mapping out how many times I hear these things over the course of a month just to show I'm not kidding.) You know, it's like what I suspect about how SC feels about me and my relationship with them: Just because I may have some sort of thing with these people, whatever it is will NEVER be the same as what I have with my family or what SC has with the bio-fam, so what's the problem? I mean, anyone who's in my inner circle knows that I'm about as inclusive as they come -- my friends are your friends, we're all one big, happy family and all that rot. In fact, I used to imagine my wedding at Marquette Park's Bath House (when I thought I actually wanted a wedding) as one where real fam and bio-fam alike were there celebrating the day with me, but yet I've got Mother who thinks I'm going to get stolen away by those people and SC who (I think) thinks I have designs on stealing her family away. I don't get it. And it's not like I can reassure anyone of my intentions, because they're going to think what they're going to think, and I've long ago given up the notion that I have any sort of sway when Mother gets a bat in her belfry. It's like a dog with a bone, man.

In other news, the Monte Carlo showed up the other day, running perfectly as far as I could tell. The apartment building the offender lives in, however, now has a crib up for rent, so I wonder if this means Homie had to put all his money into getting his car out of hock. That'll learn ya to leave your shit unattended on the street, though, won't it, motherfucker!??

In fact, I would dare say dinner was a lot of fun. Seriously. The kids were just darling and well-behaved (though they got a little antsy toward the end, but there was Littlest Pets to be bought at Target, and that's a huge deal, y'all), and we were like two ladies who lunch -- nothing uncomfortable or nasty about it.

I'm glad I went.

I DID forget to tell y'all, save for a couple people, about the jackasses I encountered at the gas station this afternoon. I'm waiting for the tank to fill when these lunkheads -- Momma, Big Daddy and Junior on Spring Break -- pull up beside me in their 1995 Buick something or other. Momma was driving, and Junior was pumping the gas, and I guess he filled the tank when he wasn't supposed to because Big Daddy starts yelling and calling him a moron at the top of his lungs. Well, I start putting on some lipstick, and I guess I shot them a look of "whatever" because I found myself making eye contact with Momma, who I thought agreed with me until she said, "Makeup ain't going to help you, honey."

(Now, I should interject here that Momma didn't look to be a particularly petite flower and had fried, bleached out hair with a good two inches of dark roots, so it makes what comes next even more absurd.)

Anyway, I must've rolled my eyes again when Big Daddy starts yelling -- again at the top of his lungs -- "Hey have you called Jenny Craig yet!?? The number's ..." as I drove away.

Normally, something like that wouldn't get to me, but it got me to thinking: "Man, do I really look like I've gained that much!?? I mean, I know I have, but is it really that bad to other people!??" So I called Poppy about it, and of course she gave me the usual about low-lifes and how they'll go for the easiest common denominator, but then we started talking about how weight gain is viewed as a sign of weakness, whether it is or not, and if you're not stick thin, you're open to that kind of criticism. I mean, I remember when I was much lighter and a dicklicker called me a "fat ass" right before I got him and his no-boobs on a stick skank kicked out of the Cubs/Sox matchup. That was kind of depressing.

My sister, SC, has invited me to dinner with the kidlets and her tonight; she's even buying with a gift certificate.

This could go so wrong on so many levels, but I think the key for me will be to be cool and non-specific. And to pay lots of attention to my niece and nephew, who I finally met a couple weekends ago.

Ah hell, I might as just tell y'all about that now while I'm here, right? I got a second before I jump in the shower and get down to the guvmint complex for some more investigative work.

Yeah, so anyway, a couple weekends ago, I'd gotten my nephew, who turned 6 just this past weekend, his birthday presents and was all set to either mail them or give them to BFKAS to get to the young sprout when BFKAS calls me and tells me she's going to this fundraiser in her town with some friends -- do I just want to meet her there? Well, all right, I said, so I went and couldn't find her or her friends (not that I knew what her friends looked like, anyway), so I called her and was like, "Hi! I'm here and you're not." She laughed and said that she decided not to go because SC and the kidlets were there (which I knew they were supposed to be in), so I told her that I had the gift, and she said come on over.

Let me start by saying that the kids are JUST BEAUTIFUL and have now commanded every last discretionary dollar I have for things like this, which my nephew is SO GETTING. Well-behaved, sweet, articulate, just like kids are supposed to be. My sister, on the other hand? You could feel the drop in her demeanor the minute I walked in the door, you could say. I mean, she could've been tired from the drive, sure, and it wasn't like she was ignoring me or anything, but ... you could just tell there was something hanging there in the ether, plus a couple questions she asked me about certain things were put in a way that you could tell it was meant to sting. But whatever. Prior to this, though, she and I had been e-mailing, and at one point she said that we need to sit down and talk about our stuff and how we're going to proceed, and I agreed but said that I wasn't ready to go there just yet and that if I was going to end up getting the ass end of everything, there wasn't going to be a conversation at ALL, because there just won't be.

So, is this a trick to get me somewhere to talk, or is it an opportunity to put another pleasant experience behind us so that when we DO eventually talk, we won't want to kill each other? We're going to find out, because I'm meeting her at 4:30.

So yeah, dinner with my little (alleged) sister was a pretty damn good time. She's cute, funny and definitely has a mind of her own, so we got that in common. Plus, she's loud just like me, and if there were anything in this world that would serve as an identifier, it would be that. (Ok, not really. But still ...)

She also has a past that would make the toughest survivor cringe in sympathy/horror, and that unfortunately has left her very closed up while opened like a festering sore to the rest of the world all at the same time. If I in my two-parent white-bread childhood world thought my other sibs had it bad when they were growing up, I can at least take comfort in the fact that they didn't have it nearly as bad as Baby Girl did. Think, among other things, a multitude of stepdads (and a mother who isn't quite over the whole married thing yet after all this time), a sperm donor who gave up his parental rights so she could be adopted by one of the stepdads, drugs, a real live mohawk and multiple piercings, a failed marriage and her own daughter's death before the age of 20 (!), then a complete life turnaround by the age of 25 and you have the REAL A Million Little Pieces right there. In fact, a great story about the sperm donor: She was 17 and after having last seen him when she was 12, she gets shipped out west to visit him for what was supposed to be a three-week trip, right? Can't remember what day into the trip it was, but he takes her to Old Country Buffet for dinner, which is fine until he starts putting nine, 10 little bowls of condiments on the table and six glasses of milk, then proceeds to eat seven or eight plates of food BY HIMSELF and yells at her in the restaurant that her eating two plates of food "isn't getting his money's worth." And then there was the crackhead that showed up at his door at 3 a.m. and him being all like, "Uh, I TOLD you he doesn't live here anymore (wink, wink)," and the pot smell wafting from his room that really wasn't pot, according to him. Yeah, it took her four days of that before she was like, "I'm out."

No, she has not gotten herself into therapy toot sweet after all this, and that worries me, because underneath the bravado, her terror is palpable. But she seems to dig me; she says we have to be the same because we're both extreme smartasses.

My (possible) baby sister and I are meeting for Mexican tonight at 5-ish, 5:30-ish.

Details at 11, or something.

So, in all the rest of the family stuff lately, did I mention that BFKAS got Crazy Aunt a job at her place of employ? Yeah, two women who have a history of going for long periods of time cursing each other's names working in the same office. I didn't have high hopes for it then, and I certainly don't now after the call I just got from CA.

Cousin Nancy, who I haven't talked about in awhile, and her boyfriend are renting his mom's crib while she's out of state, and they've gotten their shit together from over the summer; the boyfriend's got a decent job, and it's all good, except Cousin Nancy hasn't gone back to school yet. (She's technically a junior, and she left about this time last year because of some nonsense or another.) Well, when BFKAS and I were talking a couple weeks ago, we talked about how she thought Nancy was avoiding her, because Nancy knows that BFKAS would give her a talking-to about not being in school. Then I, like a dumbass, mentioned to Nancy in passing when we were chatting about how BFKAS and I have been getting along so well that BFKAS thinks she's been avoiding her for that reason. And of course Nancy gets her "Well, she doesn't want to hear what I would say to that, because she doesn't run my life, blah blah blah" bravado up like any 19 year-old would. Long story short, BFKAS has allegedly said something to Nancy's little brother that he repeated to her, and now, CA is all up in arms because Nancy's depressed and she thinks BFKAS is trying to butt in to her business, etc. etc., and yoy! Here we go.

See, having been raised as an only child, this is the kind of stuff for which I'm not wired -- well, Ok I guess I shouldn't say that, because I do get how families work with all the talking behind each other's backs and what have you. But the experience I've had has always been between relatives with at least a little distance so you're not up in their grill all the time, usually. This sibling thing I just do.not.get, and that's why I'm so reluctant to mend fences with my sister: I'm really afraid that we're not going to be able to get along like grown-ups, only instead of fighting in the family, it extends to outside people, and not that they particularly give a shit, but still, it gets uncomfortable and weird for everyone else when you have a couple people fighting, right? I just don't want to do it.

That's why retail therapy helps. Behold, the new bag:

For those of you who aren't quite clear on the concept of how blogging works, let me explain something to you: I pay money each month to maintain this site. I also pay money to have it designed, and I pay for the domain name. Therefore, since I'm putting all this money into it, I get to talk about whatever I want. This is the way it is, and it's not changing.

She gave him her heart, and he talked about a boil on his ass -- specifically the crack.

No, no back story here. But this seriously happened to someone I know, and really, do you need to hear more than that to form an opinion!?? Didn't think so. But let that serve as another lesson as to what not to discuss with your woman unless you've been married for a zillion years.

So, where to start, where to start ... oh yeah. I met my other half sister the other day, and guess what I discovered!?? I discovered that there's probably not an apporopriate time or place on God's green earth to drop on someone that you may be their half sibling. My inappropriate place? A labor rally at my alma mater -- I was covering it, and two young ladies from our local congressman's office showed up to offer support. I asked them their names, and when the little girl with the dark hair and groovy glasses told me what it was, my stomach dropped, because it was the exact same name of the alleged sperm donor's other daughter. So, I pulled her aside and said, "Your dad wouldn't happen to be (Alleged Sperm Donor), would it?" And she scowled and said, "Yeah. Why?" And I said, "Well ... rumor has it that he may be my dad, too." Poor girl turned white as a sheet and got tears in her eyes, and at some point she said, "My God, you look just like him." Anyway, we talked a few moments, and then we exchanged info and said we'd keep in touch. That was Tuesday, and I haven't heard from her -- at least, not yet, anyway, which is perfectly cool. In fact, as I thought about it, I realized that I owed her an apology for springing it on her as I did. It went like this:

In my e-mail box today: Lookit

Cracked my shit up, yo.

Well, it totally did. Just saying.

So yeah, met the alleged sperm donor, and that was what it was. I mean, I have a dad who was a great, caring man, as I've said a million times before, so whoever this joker is not really that important to me, though I kinda dug his younger sister quite a bit. At any rate, when BFKAS and I walked out of the funeral home, we both agreed that I really didn't look much like any of them; she also admitted that without a blood test, she couldn't be 100 percent sure if he's it. And that's a-ok with me, y'all; I have enough family to last me a ooooong time without adding any more to the mix.

Prior to going Wednesday night, though, she and I talked on the phone for about an hour -- mostly about politics and Crackhead and all that crap -- and she said, "Well, now that we've solved the world's problems, you need to call your sister," to which I chuckled lightly and said, "In due time." She says I'm missing out on knowing my niece and nephew, who CA has confirmed are just the bee's knees. And I know it, and it's always kind of made me sad. Thing is, I have this urge to explain to her why I'm reluctant about that even though I'm under no obligation to fill her in.

It's not that I have a problem with my sister, at least not in a way that I hate her or feel that she's evil incarnate. We're nothing alike fundamentally, true, but that never made me HATE her; it's just something you deal with. What bothers me is that she thinks I have some ulterior motive, which I just don't get because what could I possibly want from her that I never had in my own family except siblings? If I really wanted the whole husband/house/2.5 kids business, I would have it by now, and it would be my own, not something I stole from her or anyone else. And I just don't feel the need to prove that over and over and over for the rest of my life. The other thing is, I would like some reassurance that I get to present my side of the story when she and I get into one of our horrendous fights and that it'll be heard and taken under advisement, but I think that's something BFKAS and I are going to have to work on.

So, how do I tell BFKAS about my thoughts, or do I?

I met my alleged sperm donor tonight.

His mother passed away, and BFKAS* said his family wanted to meet me; allegedly, I look exactly like an aunt in their family. The first thing I said to her as we walked out of the wake:

There's this dude who covers for the competition one of the munis I've now been covering regularly for the past few weeks, and can I just tell you about the pants this guy wears? He has a pair of brown polys and a pair of what can only be described as blood-red polys that have been washed many times since the '70s, when he no doubt bought them. And these pants are so tight, you can see his underbundies in them -- and they're NOT boxers, and I doubt they're tighty whiteys. I'm guessing they're colored briefs, and that scares me. A lot. Because he's, like, in his late 40s, and no homie should be wearing colored briefs, but especially in his late 40s. (shudders)

So, how many of you have been wondering what's been going on with the immediate members of my bio-fam lately? Anyone? It's been ... not unpleasant. In fact, it's been downright cordial. Tenuous, certainly, but cordial. And are you ready for this? I even got a birthday e-mail from the woman formerly referred to as ****. (Continuing to call her that wouldn't be in the spirit of reconcilliation, I reckon so I guess I'm going to have to come up with a less-negative pseudonym.) It was belated, but I still got one, which is, like, HUGE. Seriously. And I can't say I'm not unpleased by this turn of events, but y'all knew that already, didn't you?

There's no doubt that some of you are downright puzzled dubious freaked the fuck outconcerned about this turn of events, and you're not the only one; more than once has it crossed my mind that there's an ulterior motive to this change of heart. But I'm tired now. However, you know what y'all didn't do for me for my birthday? You didn't put yourselves on the map. Go do it.

I just watched a police officer sit across from my building for about 5 minutes, which wouldn't be disturbing except that when I came back from the vet with Rube, there was a silver Malibu sitting in the same spot. It's prolly nothing, but with the latest crap coming from the Crackhead camp these days, the paranoia's running a bit rampant, I must admit.

So, when the vet walks in with a 300-pound vet tech equipped with gloves and a towel, would that give y'all pause? Yeah, that's how it went down with Rube's appointment this morning. See the last time we were there, he BIT the vet, and I guess that was marked on his chart. Heh. Anyway, it turns out that the explosive diarrhea he's been having for the last month or so is apparently a direct result of the food I switched him to, so we need to go back to the old stuff. The doc said it could also be IBS -- which in cats is often a precursor to intestinal cancer -- but since Rube is relatively young and not showing signs of being sick, it's likely not. Oh, and there's the matter of giving him an antibiotic once every day for the next two weeks, though; thank God it's a liquid, because that might be marginally easier than shooting him a pill.

The best part of the appointment: When the woman vet tech tried to force Rube out of his carrier by tipping it forward, and he planted his front paws firmly against the lip of opening. My boy's a smart one, make no mistake. In fact, I was quite sure that had I left him alone in the carrier for any length of time, he'd have gotten himself out of it. Oh yes, he would. As it was, he was working on the lock as we were driving there.

[UPDATE: Okaaaaaaay ... A third officer was just here about an hour ago, but he parked down the street for about 10 minutes before pulling away. Curiouser and curiouser ...]

Hope y'all are sitting down, because I'm about to rock off your socks.

Ok, maybe not soooooo much, but seriously, y'all are probably going to be as stunned as I was hearing this little tidbit.

Anyway, Crackhead, of the whole "climbing my balcony and stealing my purse out of my crib while I was home" summer debacle, is not only out of jail, but she's started a new round of her bullshit -- this time, on one of the younger, defenseless cousins. (Not going to go into details, but trust me when I say it's a fucking mess.) Well, BFKAS and Crazy Aunt were talking about it this morning at some ungodly hour, and the subject of Crackhead stealing my purse came up. And get this: BFKAS told CA that she believes Crackhead did it.

Read it again if you need to, beause I myself had CA repeat it two or three times to make sure I got the full effect -- BFKAS believes that Crackhead stole my purse.

Yeah, that BFKAS. The one who said I was "doing this to their faaaaaaaamily."

How 'bout THAT shit!??

Of course, once again, I became a little more excited about that than I should. I mean, her believing me isn't indicative of anything, and yet I feel vindicated even though I shouldn't. Still, whoda thunk it!??

I knew there was a reason I decided I was going to become an island: Talked to CA today. Seems she's gotten behind on her rent to the tune of $2,500, and now her new landlord, with whom she thought she had a decent relationship, has done a total 180 and is now threatening to come into her apartment tomorrow and take what he feels will pay the debt, saying she can buy it back once she gets a settlement for which she's waiting. So I tell her I'm going to make a phone call to find out what's what, and sho 'nuff, he's got no right to handle it that way -- Indiana Code says so right here. Yeah, he can file eviction proceedings, but he has to go through the courts -- and his own cash -- to do it. Plus if he does, it'll buy CA some time to find a new crib -- by which time she'll likely have the money she's got coming to her, and that'll be that.

But what has this to do with me, you ask? The source I called told me CA needed to put it in writing, so guess who volunteered to write the letter since her printer's out?

It's not that I don't want to help; I mean, I rarely don't do what I can for the people I love, and I know that she's panicking right now and can't think clearly. It's just frustrating.

Speaking of frustrating, guess who I got a Christmas card from!?? That would be Cousin the Rich One and the annual photo of her three spoiled brats. I thought that was pretty big of her and thought hey, perhaps I should bury the hatchet and send her one back. Then when Mother and I went out to eat Friday night, I saw her husband the LAWYER with the three brats leaving the restaurant: He didn't acknowledge me even though I'm quite sure he looked straight at me, and I know I'm not THAT hard to recognize even if I changed my hair color. Dick. Mother then got all indignant because he didn't at least say "Hello," but I was like, he didn't even see her because she was sitting behind a couple. Can't wait to see what THAT blows up into.

I posted CA's letter after the jump for y'all to peruse. If there's any lawyer types or anyone with eviction experience out there who'd like to offer advice, I'd appreciate it.

You know what I totally haven't talked about since it aired? The Nip/Tuck storyline with Christian and his birth mother (nicely played by Kathy Baker).

(Before I do, though, anyone watch Dog: The Bounty Hunter? Get a load of the jugs on Dog's wife, man! Holy crap, them's ain't right.)

Seriously, did you really think I'd let that go unnoticed? And HOPING I would doesn't count, so ...

Anyway, no, I'm not all freaked out and outraged that she told him she couldn't be his mother. In fact, I wish I could've had that kind of honesty. (Instead, I got this crap, for those of you who're still new to the saga). But it's a well-played storyline, and I'm all about it.

And after Tuesday's episode, I'm convinced Quentin's the Carver. Anyone care to discuss?

The detective called today; said he saw Crackhead last night. And she denied it all.

Of COURSE she did.

And thank God for Cipro, because man! is it nice not to piss fire. Just as good? A doctor who gives you a scrip with refills.

Yeah, I'm still prone to UTIs. Nothing's changed.

Alice over at finslippy posted the other day about weaning off her brain meds, which happen to be Effexor, just like I take. And lots of people wrote to comment that "weaning good, cold-turkey bad," especially with Effexor, which apparently has a hellacious withdrawal. "Apparently," I say? Well, I'm going to let y'all in on a little secret: I've never experienced it. That's not to say people don't, because obviously they do, or there wouldn't be board upon board talking about the "head sloshing" and other awfulness. I just don't have it. In fact, I can go a few days where I forget to take it, and I'm all right. Now, if I don't take it for longer than, say, a week, I start getting monster-crabby and more anxiety-ridden, but nothing seriously painful. I wonder what kind of freak that makes me? It always scares me, though, when people focus only on the withdrawal and thus judge the medicine by that and not its merits; if it weren't for Effexor, I don't know what would've become of me after Dad died. Or like B-Dubs when I saw him on the 4th of July and he asked what meds I was taking now (full disclosure: He and I are both ADHD, and we've both done the whole Ritalin/Adderall/Concerta gig). When I told him Effexor, he was like, "Oh," in that "Wow, you're seriously fucked up if you're on THAT" kind of way. And I was thinking, "Yeah, and you were on Haldol and Risperidol when you were coming down from your bullshit. What the fuck?" Anyway, my doctor says I can stay on it forever if I like, and with my propensity for anxiety and paranoia, I don't see any particular reason to ever come off.

Speaking of the gene-pool, got a call from the detective today: He's setting up an appointment to talk to Crackhead in jail Friday. This ought to be good.

Hey, everybody! Guess who landed in jail on a prior felony theft warrant after she was busted driving on a suspended license with a dude carrying a nonpermitted gun stolen from Texas!?? Anyone?

Awwww, c'mon now. This is easy!

Yeah. Crazy Aunt called me tonight with the news. Imagine my surprise (yawn). So I called the detective to let him know what's what. We'll see if anything happens.

So tonight before covering a muni meeting, the Gary Bureau editor called and asked if I wanted to cover the NAACP's annual dinner, with Dick Gregory as its keynote speaker. Well, the editor gave me the wrong time for the event -- he said it started at 6 when it really started at 7 -- so I didn't get to hear his speech. I did accost him while he was heading to the can "to go pee" (his words), though, and he made some interesting points about landowners in the states hit by the hurricane. Whoever they are, how're they going to prove they own the land when all the paperwork and/or computer archives have been effectively destroyed? And because of that, who's to say that the gubmintbig business isn't going to go on a massive land grab? Not that I necessarily think something like that is going to happen, but it certainly could, and I guess it wouldn't surprise me if it did. Anyway, about the time we ended our chat, the group was singing the Black National Anthem, and so we stood arm-in-arm and swayed as they sang.

I stood arm-in-arm with a major celebrity. How you like me now?

Then I ran into this idiot on my way out of the casino. He was going in to gamble because apparently, he's gotten off the sauce again.

Got word the other day that a friend of mine's close relative with cancer has relapsed. Not identifying the friend because they don't want identifiers put out on the Interbunny, so don't ask -- just send good thoughts out into the ether.

Of course, I'm now deeper into that time, especially since Mother and I got into a YOOGE fight tonight that made me want to throw her out of the damn car. (I didn't. But I wanted to, even more than mostother times. Trust me.)

that my tub of Vaseline is sitting on my desk, when it's usually in my linen closet. And my cousin and her boyfriend were staying in here.

(shudders)

Just when I thought I wasn't going to have talk about Crackhead anymore, I get this: Her one dealer friend? Wants to shut me up.

Like that?

The story goes that Crackhead said the guy "heard" from his "cop friend on the force in which I live" that I was asking about him, and that if she didn't shut me up, he'd have to "take care of it." Well, she was like, "I don't even talk to her," but she saw to it that I got word. Translation: When I reported the burglary, I told the detective that the reason she was even out here in my area is because she was hanging out with some dude in town. So, the cops probably came to his house looking for her, and he got pissed and bitched at her about it. I mean, seriously, the town force here isn't that big that it would likely even have officers in cahoots with dealers. What the fuck is she talking about?

Yawn.

Nevertheless, this guy allegedly called my uncle/her dad looking for me, so I'm going to talk to my uncle tomorrow and see if he brings it up. If he does, I'm then going to have him call the cops and verify it so I can file a complaint. That way, if I end up dead or beaten within an inch of my life, it'll be less work for them.

Just kidding. Sort of.

Did I tell y'all that Cousin Nancy and her boyfriend had been crashing at Chez Broad since Tuesday night? Yeah, some huge drama involving her boyfriend's brother going to jail for stealing Nancy's wallet and a whole bunch of other stuff, and the boyfriend's mother got all pissed off at Nancy for having him put in jail, so she kicked them out, so on and so forth. Anyway, so they were here, and I have to say, they were perfectly lovely guests. And the new boyfriend is totally in love with Nancy and treats her like a queen, but I must admit that I'm a little concerned that Nancy, who has inherited her mother's temper to the letter, may end up stomping him into submission. More importanttly, though, I just want the two of them to get their heads out of their asses and a) finish school (Nancy) and b) get the hell out of dodge, because neither has a real stable homelife, and they need to get somewhere away from all the crap.

So.

Guess who's decided she's not coming back from Kansas City? No, seriously. You get three, and the first two don't count.

When I told her about it, she said I sounded surprised, and I s'pose on one hand, I am, if for nothing else than because she's leaving behind a four year-old daughter. Otherwise, she's worthless, and the family's better off without her.

Meanwhile, the ol' Butterball must have some heavy dream-inducing qualities -- or else I'm just hornier than hell -- because check out THIS dream from this morning: The part that I remember picks up during a party where I'm apparently back together with DtR, and we're both wearing lime green shirts and black pants (in respective gender type, of course, but still, ew, matching). So then, fast forward to the, um, group scene (ahem) with me, DtR and ANOTHER former ex and his ex-wife involving a strap-0n (!?), and then me and him lying in my bed in my old room at my parents house (NO, nothing weird was going on), when ANOTHER ex walks into the room with a magazine and points out a classified ad that hinted around at my involvement in the group scene. At the bottom of the ad was the e-mail and IP for yet ANOTHER ex. And? I was worried that Mother was going to find out about it.

Is there nothing more gratifying than seeing your ex-boyfriend from college -- the boyfriend who cheated on you constantly yet freaked the hell out whenever you got a li'l sum'in on the side; the one who gave you crabs and never told you but accused you of giving him a recurring STD -- all squinty and bloated and driving a navy blue minivan? I don't think there is. I rather enjoyed it, in fact.

Ok, since I haven't made it much of a secret anymore (plus the fact that Crackhead's mom/my aunt already knows and is all for it), here's the deal: The detective called me Wednesday to let me know that he had talked to my uncle, who proceeded to tell him that just that morning, six squads surrounded and searched his crib looking for Crackhead. Why? Because she has a warrant out on her for skipping court -- quite possibly Fed, because she was supposed to be a federal witness against a doctor-cum-candy man who was dishing out the Xanies, Vikes and Somas like Charlie. But whatever, my uncle told the detective that it has been nothing but sheer hell for him and his family since Crackhead started on this shit and that he's had enough. So Saturday night when he goes to pick her up from the airport? It's do not pass go, do not collect $200 for ol' Crackhead; he's taking her straight to the pokey and turning her in. And I have no doubt that he'll do it, too. He still contends that he saw her around the time that I called them that night and is going to make a statement to that effect, but the detective thinks that he's more than likely just confused about the time.

At any rate, the detective is going to pay her a little visit when she's settled in the pokey and approach her with the "Ok, look, you're already in here, why don't you just get it out in the open and make life easier for yourself?" tack. I mean, at this point, I just want to hear her say she did it, fuck everything else. The likelihood of that is slim to none, but you know, her ass is going to be in JAIL, so it could happen.

In the meantime, guess where I'm going tonight? No idea? I be doin' the bus demolition at the Sppedway tonight. Pictures at 11 (or whenever I get back.)

That's where Crackhead is this week. With her boyfriend. Flew out there on Monday -- you know, the day she was supposed to go talk to the detective.

I told my girl over at Bitchbook that if she has any wild drug busts at her place of employ to tell Crackhead I said "Hi!" Whore*.

[UPDATE: Talked to the detective tonight, and he talked to my uncle. I was going to tell y'all the news, but since it hasn't happened yet, let's just say something is fixin' to, and it could possibly be good for my case. I fill y'all in when it happens.]

Guess who cancelled out on meeting with the detective Tuesday night?

Yeah, that's what I said: "Get out. Imagine my surprise." Just like that, too, and he laughed and agreed. Anyway, he rescheduled her for Monday at 4 p.m.; if she cancels again, he said he's just going to have to go out there and get her, then.

I ask you, does cancelling out on the detective sound like someone who's innocent? Seriously.

Just got off the phone with the detective, and he talked with my aunt. According to him, she acted like she didn't know what he was talking about at first, but then she copped to it when he told her that I said I left a message for them. So she tells them they're going on a family vacation (which they are) and that when they get back, Crackhead will certainly talk to them. He made a note to call them on the 13th.

Mmmhmmmm.

well, I don't know, but I do know they suck pretty hard, and not in a good way. I mean, shit.

First, I call Cingular this morning to find out whether any calls had been made from my cell after June 1, which was when the online bill thingy said. Alas, there were NONE, so unless someone has a real creative way to make nonworking numbers magically appear on caller ID (and can that be done?), SoC was told to cover for Crackhead. And yeah, I suspected from the get-go that that was going to happen, but I guess it sunk in today that man, that's some BULLshit.

So then I tell Mother about it, and she tells me that my cousin called her last night asking all about the break-in. That particular cousin is Timmy's mother and the sister of Cousin the Rich One, and she hasn't spoken to me since Cousin the Rich One and I started our battle -- except, of course, when I called her at the hospital to make sure she and the little guy were Ok -- because I was clearly in the wrong about the whole thing. Even if I was, it didn't have anything to do with her, but you know, whatever, right? So she said to Mother how I was lucky that Crackhead didn't attack me and so on and so forth, and I was like, "Wait a minute. After I worried that she was going to lose her son, she can't call ME to find out how I am!? FUCK. HER," and I told Mother that from here on out, I don't want her talking about me to any one of them, good bad or indifferent.

So to recap, two sides of my family suck hairless worm dick (as opposed to hairy worm dick. I know). Now, allow me to regale you with the continuing saga of DtR

Took Mother over to Field's today so she could buy something and I could continue replacing my shit, and I went to the Estee Lauder counter to see if they had my lipstick. Well, the girl said "No," and maaaaaaan, that was about the first time I got seriously pissed at ol' Crackhead. I mean, do you know how hard it is to find just the right nude lipstick? Especially for someone who doesn't wear a lot of makeup as it is? Seriously. But they still make it, obviously; I just didn't get any because I still have other things to get. I did replace my wallet today, though, and for $10, too. It's a Fossil, and it's kinda cute. All that's left now is a makeup case (and makeup, of course, but only the essentials), and I'll be back in business. (I got a replacement Palm Vx for $70 off eBay that should be here Monday or Tuesday; thankfully, I didn't lose all my contacts when the software didn't load up right Wednesday.) You know, perhaps Crackhead's bullshit was a way of telling me the juju needed some cleaning out; I mean, I threw some blonde back in my hair for summer, and I'm getting my new bag from Mac in a week or so. Maybe I really needed to spend $300 I still don't really have.

Yeah, I'm optimistic, motherfucker.

In the meantime, I'm on graduation patrol this week, which means I'm covering four high school graduations ... well, five counting today's, and today's was a Catholic school with a graduating class of 187 kids. Anyway, the thing that struck me about this class was that it was really a cohesive unit, moreseo than I'd ever seen or remember from my own days of yore. My class size was no more than 325, so not huge by any standards, but I remember being like, "Feh. Are we DONE yet!?!?" Anyone have a similar experience?

Just got back from meeting with the detective about Cousin Crackhead and my missing purse -- had to talk into a microphone thingy and everything. Luckily, I was armed with more information: Crazy Aunt talked to Crackhead's sister (we'll call her "Sister of Crackhead," or SoC), and according to SoC, their parents are saying Crackhead was at home asleep. HowEVER, SoC got a phone call FROM MY CELL PHONE around the ungodly hour in which all this went down*, and when CA told SoC that my Palm was missing, SoC gasped. So now, all I have to do is get a copy of my phone records, and we gots proof that it was in her possession, because I sure as hell wasn't making calls with it. (Not sure how often Cingular updates its Web page, but my account goes up to only June 1 online, and I didn't declare it stolen until June 2 early morning.) Hopefully, SoC will talk to the detective and confirm all this, too -- especially since Crackhead is the reason SoC has a suspended driver's license -- but then there's that ol' saw about the family ties that bind and gag, etc., and she may have been told that she's not allowed to say anything. Still, I'm guessing SoC will want to drop the dime since she's been forced to keep quiet for so long.

In other news, I got a new phone -- bought it at this little dive place on Calumet. I like the style and heft of its flip better, and it's cover is red, which I'm kinda digging. But its ringtones are all beep-beep-boop-boop, and that's a big buzzkill when you've gotten used to "BRAAAAAAAAAAASS Monkey! That funky monkey!" waking your ass up. So I programmed it to play a Fugue, because that had the best comedic value to me.